and there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears

and love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears

Recently I discovered watercolor sketches. There’s something about it that makes it feel like it’s the right type of art for me. I tried acrylic painting and it was fun, but I didn’t fall in love with it the first time I did it. I tried watercolor painting recently at a fair, and it just made me feel so happy.

I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is. I love the style of colors bleeding past defined lines—it makes it feel more whimsical and free, like real life on steroids. It’s similar to how I feel about impressionism—it’s not the real world, but a stylistic version of it that emphasizes the mysterious beauty of it. The way that maybe sometimes my memories are more splashes of colors than defined lines — I remember but the bright green tint of the trees, but not their exact shapes.

It’s been a while since I’ve had something I’m so excited about, something I can be passionate about and something I can focus on myself with.

(1)

It’s weird how you can feel so shitty and it’s caused by so many people but it’s also no one’s fault. She doesn’t know. He deserves to be happy, especially when you didn’t want him anyway. They don’t know, and they only want you to realize your full potential because they love you. And in the end, it’s not even your own fault. You two just didn’t click romantically.

It’s you’re not jealous, it’s just that you’re maybe a little bit sad and a little bit lonely. And maybe the secret is this:

You just want someone to tell you that you’re good enough. That despite all the awkwardness and your bad skin and the bags under your eyes, you’re still good enough to be loved.

(2)

I’m torn between actually being proactive, and taking some time for myself, just to heal and find some inner peace.

(3)

Three hours, a long talk, and a little time to think later:

"In times of darkness, hope is something you give yourself," said a wise old man.

Maybe this is how you know you’ve reached the light at the end of the tunnel:

This is moment you’ve been waiting for: when you can finally be friends again, without the awkwardness of wondering whether every single word or body movement is an indication of something more.

note to self

be less awkward and quiet

my goal in life is to be a badass tiny asian girl.

i’m 3/4ths of the way there, only “badass” to go!

"

Questions for the Woman I Was Last Night -

How far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps? How often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short? Why do you find the unavailable so alluring? Where did it begin? What went wrong? And who made you feel so worthless? If they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you? All this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin? And what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it? How are you both of these women, both flighty and needful? Where did you learn this, to want what does not want you? Where did you learn this, to leave those that want you to stay?

"

— Warsan Shire (via adelineania)

because people often say i’ll beat them up, like it’s a joke or something, i’m so small and weak that the idea is just so ridiculous that it’s funny.

i don’t want it to be funny anymore.

It’s embarassing, and possibly shameful, how much I needed to see that Korra and Asami friendship portrayed in media. I just really needed to be reminded that women are awesome and it’s stupid to let a guy get in the way of what could be an amazing friendship, just because we both happen to like the same guy and only one of us got him.

sometimes, I love those friends who will hate the people you hate, just on principle.

Secret Concerns.

I think I might be a bad software engineer.

I’m good at being given a very specific problem, and figuring out how to solve it. I learned quickly how to communicate and get the information I need to figure it out.

But a surprisingly large part of the needs of my team are architectural. I’ve spent surprisingly little time looking at code, and a ton of time in meetings where engineers discuss the best way of doing things, and the concerns that everyone has.

And I never know what to contribute to these discussions. On one hand, at the beginning I felt like that was okay because I’m new and I don’t really understand the existing architecture yet and people know that. On the other hand, I feel like a lot of the stuff we’re doing is pretty high level to the point where I should be able to have something to contribute. But in school, I sucked at this. My worse classes were compilers and operating systems, where I actually needed to design this large architecture. I was good at everything else.

Like basically, it’s experimentation, and the best way to do it. And I don’t need to know anything about our company specifically to talk about it, but I also just don’t know how experimentation works in general.

And also, since we’re at the beginning stages of figuring out the architecture, there are so many higher ups and important people at these meetings that I feel like it would be a great opportunity to be memorable and impressive, as a future investment. But my mind is just completely blank.

Fuck. I need to learn fast. This is a skill you can pick up, right?